Oh my sweet Carolina,
what compels me to go?
Oh my sweet disposition,
May you one day carry me home.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The Plan
In case you were wondering what is next in our crazy lives...
July 28-August 5 : Yellowstone National Park, Adams family reunion style
August 7 : Fly to Guatemala City, meet Todd
August 8 : Take a long bus ride to San Ildefonso Ixahuacan, Huehuetenango Guatemala
August 9-19 : "Tomalo despaco" (take it slow) at Todd's home in Guatemala
August 20 : Back to Guatemala City
August 21: Bus to San Salvador, then Suchitoto
Todd Bauer is the Latin America Coordinator for Brethren Volunteer Service. He was a volunteer at one time, then ended up marrying a woman from Guatemala. In our correspondence he has taught me about patience and "Latino time". Things happen when they happen, people may not get back to you for a while, and that's okay.
This kind of patience will take some practice.
In some ways I wish I could just skip Guatemala and get there! We left Minnesota on June 10. It has been a long transition with a lot of goodbyes.
It's strange how these goodbyes feel different. El Salvador isn't really that much further away from North Carolina than Minnesota is. We have had a lot of time apart from our families. Yet, going to a different country and culture feels like it will be much further.
2 years will go by in a flash, we will be back before we know it. Still, I am teary as I say goodbye. I am lucky to have so many people to be teary about.
We're almost...almost there!
July 28-August 5 : Yellowstone National Park, Adams family reunion style
August 7 : Fly to Guatemala City, meet Todd
August 8 : Take a long bus ride to San Ildefonso Ixahuacan, Huehuetenango Guatemala
August 9-19 : "Tomalo despaco" (take it slow) at Todd's home in Guatemala
August 20 : Back to Guatemala City
August 21: Bus to San Salvador, then Suchitoto
Todd Bauer is the Latin America Coordinator for Brethren Volunteer Service. He was a volunteer at one time, then ended up marrying a woman from Guatemala. In our correspondence he has taught me about patience and "Latino time". Things happen when they happen, people may not get back to you for a while, and that's okay.
This kind of patience will take some practice.
In some ways I wish I could just skip Guatemala and get there! We left Minnesota on June 10. It has been a long transition with a lot of goodbyes.
It's strange how these goodbyes feel different. El Salvador isn't really that much further away from North Carolina than Minnesota is. We have had a lot of time apart from our families. Yet, going to a different country and culture feels like it will be much further.
2 years will go by in a flash, we will be back before we know it. Still, I am teary as I say goodbye. I am lucky to have so many people to be teary about.
We're almost...almost there!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Mount Pisgah
Yesterday I gave myself the afternoon off.
I often ask myself, what is my vocation? What am I meant to do with this time that I have?
Lately, my vocation has been visiting with fantastic people from different chapters of my life. It has been fun, thinking back on memories, making new ones, and eating a ridiculous amount of good food.
Without time to recharge, it is difficult to be present with others. Chris and I have been together all day almost every day since June 9 when we left Minnesota. As I told Chris earlier today, "I miss missing you".
On my afternoon off, I did some necessary internet errands (isn't it funny that the internet has become work?) It is satisfying closing accounts and wrapping up loose ends.
I decided I needed to walk, somewhere green with a beautiful view at the top. I googled some hiking trails, then got in my car. Before I knew it I had turned the wrong way. (I joke with friends that I am one of the only people who can get lost on the Blue Ridge Parkway).
I ended up at Mount Pisgah, and began to walk. I was worried about getting back in time for the family barbeque, so I hiked fast and with purpose. The hike was steep at times, up and up. I was huffing and puffing. I had to get to the top.
I arrived red in the face and breathing deeply. I took a quick look around, took some photos, and skipped back down the mountain. I'm sure the top of Mount Pisgah was nice.
On the way down I came up on a couple walking slowly and with intention. "Excuse me, I have to get to the barbeque," I said. They laughed and asked the address so they could join later.
Then the rain began, slow at first. I didn't mind - I had a destination to get to. Before I knew it, the rain was coming down like a blanket over me. I was drenched.
I stopped for a minute. I looked around, I saw the forest soaking up the water falling from the sky. I saw myself from the clouds, small and covered with rain. I was alive.
I made it to the car, and to the barbeque. I laughed at myself and my rushed pace. Why was I in such a hurry? Why did I have to make it to the very top of the mountain? There was a beautiful view about halfway up, with time for lingering.
Our time here in North Carolina has been beautiful. It's really hard to believe - we've been in Durham, Chapel Hill, Atlantic Beach, New Bern, Winston-Salem, Charlotte, Asheville and Boone - all in one month!
Maybe next time, I will walk up the mountain and stay for a while.
This is a lesson that I will learn over and over again. I may never get it right, but I will try every day to be present.
Smile, breathe, and go slowly.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
I often ask myself, what is my vocation? What am I meant to do with this time that I have?
Lately, my vocation has been visiting with fantastic people from different chapters of my life. It has been fun, thinking back on memories, making new ones, and eating a ridiculous amount of good food.
Without time to recharge, it is difficult to be present with others. Chris and I have been together all day almost every day since June 9 when we left Minnesota. As I told Chris earlier today, "I miss missing you".
On my afternoon off, I did some necessary internet errands (isn't it funny that the internet has become work?) It is satisfying closing accounts and wrapping up loose ends.
I decided I needed to walk, somewhere green with a beautiful view at the top. I googled some hiking trails, then got in my car. Before I knew it I had turned the wrong way. (I joke with friends that I am one of the only people who can get lost on the Blue Ridge Parkway).
I ended up at Mount Pisgah, and began to walk. I was worried about getting back in time for the family barbeque, so I hiked fast and with purpose. The hike was steep at times, up and up. I was huffing and puffing. I had to get to the top.
I arrived red in the face and breathing deeply. I took a quick look around, took some photos, and skipped back down the mountain. I'm sure the top of Mount Pisgah was nice.
On the way down I came up on a couple walking slowly and with intention. "Excuse me, I have to get to the barbeque," I said. They laughed and asked the address so they could join later.
Then the rain began, slow at first. I didn't mind - I had a destination to get to. Before I knew it, the rain was coming down like a blanket over me. I was drenched.
I stopped for a minute. I looked around, I saw the forest soaking up the water falling from the sky. I saw myself from the clouds, small and covered with rain. I was alive.
I made it to the car, and to the barbeque. I laughed at myself and my rushed pace. Why was I in such a hurry? Why did I have to make it to the very top of the mountain? There was a beautiful view about halfway up, with time for lingering.
Our time here in North Carolina has been beautiful. It's really hard to believe - we've been in Durham, Chapel Hill, Atlantic Beach, New Bern, Winston-Salem, Charlotte, Asheville and Boone - all in one month!
Maybe next time, I will walk up the mountain and stay for a while.
This is a lesson that I will learn over and over again. I may never get it right, but I will try every day to be present.
Smile, breathe, and go slowly.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Sweet Carolina
We spent about another week in Durham, North Carolina - my hometown. I am so proud of Durham!
Like this article says in the New York Times, Durham used to be a "ghost town". I enjoyed growing up there, but my idea of entertainment was to go to the same Mexican restaurant every week and go bowling. I never did get any better at bowling.
Durham is an old tobacco town. I used to love the smell of the tobacco factories, it was sweet and smelled like home. The tobacco factories closed in the 90's from what I remember. There was a lot of gang violence during that time, and downtown Durham was not a place that you would want to drive through or spend time in.
They have revamped the old tobacco district, fixing up the old warehouses. The American Tobacco Historic District has a stream running through it, great places to eat, businesses, movies and music on the lawn.
Finally we have had time to soak up the "new Durham". It still has its Southern character, with a new energy that is contagious.
From Durham we went to Winston-Salem, another town that's taking off in its own right. There we met Anna and Kevin Keller and their hilarious dog Fulton. Anna and I were in diapers together. She and I were both marveling at this opportunity to reconnect, and watch our husbands get to know each other for the first time. We drank too much wine, laughed, and told the stories of our lives.
Now, we are in Boone with our friends Michael and Preston. We both went to Appalachian State University. I so miss living in the mountains, and my heart leaps to see them again.
We walked in to the School of Music, where we spent the majority of our 4 years practicing and studying. "Excuse me, are you students here?" I smiled and said, "5 years ago". The father and son asked us a lot of questions and we showed them around. I looked at the freshman's face, and I felt those emotions all over again. Anticipation, adrenaline, excitement over newfound freedom. The Blue Ridge Mountains were full of places to explore, and things to learn.
I can't go back to that time. But I'm grateful for where I've been. The mountains are rocking me now, reminding me that this moment, these people, and this earth, are holy.
Like this article says in the New York Times, Durham used to be a "ghost town". I enjoyed growing up there, but my idea of entertainment was to go to the same Mexican restaurant every week and go bowling. I never did get any better at bowling.
Durham is an old tobacco town. I used to love the smell of the tobacco factories, it was sweet and smelled like home. The tobacco factories closed in the 90's from what I remember. There was a lot of gang violence during that time, and downtown Durham was not a place that you would want to drive through or spend time in.
They have revamped the old tobacco district, fixing up the old warehouses. The American Tobacco Historic District has a stream running through it, great places to eat, businesses, movies and music on the lawn.
Finally we have had time to soak up the "new Durham". It still has its Southern character, with a new energy that is contagious.
From Durham we went to Winston-Salem, another town that's taking off in its own right. There we met Anna and Kevin Keller and their hilarious dog Fulton. Anna and I were in diapers together. She and I were both marveling at this opportunity to reconnect, and watch our husbands get to know each other for the first time. We drank too much wine, laughed, and told the stories of our lives.
Now, we are in Boone with our friends Michael and Preston. We both went to Appalachian State University. I so miss living in the mountains, and my heart leaps to see them again.
We walked in to the School of Music, where we spent the majority of our 4 years practicing and studying. "Excuse me, are you students here?" I smiled and said, "5 years ago". The father and son asked us a lot of questions and we showed them around. I looked at the freshman's face, and I felt those emotions all over again. Anticipation, adrenaline, excitement over newfound freedom. The Blue Ridge Mountains were full of places to explore, and things to learn.
I can't go back to that time. But I'm grateful for where I've been. The mountains are rocking me now, reminding me that this moment, these people, and this earth, are holy.
Wherever I am, the world comes after me.
It offers me its busyness. It does not believe
that I do not want it. Now I understand
why the old poets of China went so far and high
into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist.
It offers me its busyness. It does not believe
that I do not want it. Now I understand
why the old poets of China went so far and high
into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist.
Mary Oliver
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A Love Song for New York
My dad always says that you don't learn from experience, you learn from reflection on experience. Sometimes that reflection happens the day after the experience. Sometimes it happens many years after.
That is the amazing thing about our learning. It never ceases.
At the beginning of July I drove from Chicago to New York alone. My husband and parents weren't sure it was the best idea, but I felt I needed to do it. To spend time with myself, to enjoy the journey.
Needless to say I talked on the phone much more than I needed to. I got lonely, I laughed at myself. I listened to old CD's from the 90's, and pretended to listen to Spanish in Your Car. Was it what I hoped? Probably not. It was a fun trip, nonetheless.
Kendall lives in New York. I love spending time with her and her love of life. She is one of the only people I have really stayed connected with from my high school (sorry, high school friends, let's get together!) This is surprising since she and I bonded after high school, at age 21, in Italy.
You see a long time ago an Irish boy "broke my heart". I still had a plane ticket to Milan, and time to spend in Europe. It just so happened that Kendall had been living in Italy that summer, planning to travel by herself for the month of August (I don't believe in coincidence, most of the time). I called her, we made plans, and had the most fantastic adventures.
Billy Joel at the Coliseum. Venice by accident. Skinny dipping in the Adriatic Sea.
I am so lucky to have these memories, to have had these opportunities. I hope that I have learned from those experiences. I hope I have more joy to share because of them.
Ah yes! So, New York City. I have always wondered what it would be like to live in a city like that. There are so very many people! I admire those of you that live there. I imagine it takes confidence, and spunk. I don't think I would ever sleep, because of all the excitement.
We went to a piano bar where the bartender sang harmonies while fixing martinis. Then, around 1AM we wandered over to to a bar on the top of a fancy hotel. It was like standing on a cloud. A 3AM bedtime feels early in New York!
Most of all I love to watch the people in New York. There are so many faces to wonder about! Where are you from, why are you here, what are you doing up so late?
Over eggs and bacon,
We talk about the world
How our time is slowly slipping by.
Next to us a woman sips her coffee and smiles,
Friend, please tell me what you know.
Finally, oh finally
We're at the riverside
In a place where I can feel at peace and ease
The shadows of tall buildings are laughing at me now
Love yourself,
That's all you need to know.
That is the amazing thing about our learning. It never ceases.
At the beginning of July I drove from Chicago to New York alone. My husband and parents weren't sure it was the best idea, but I felt I needed to do it. To spend time with myself, to enjoy the journey.
Needless to say I talked on the phone much more than I needed to. I got lonely, I laughed at myself. I listened to old CD's from the 90's, and pretended to listen to Spanish in Your Car. Was it what I hoped? Probably not. It was a fun trip, nonetheless.
Kendall lives in New York. I love spending time with her and her love of life. She is one of the only people I have really stayed connected with from my high school (sorry, high school friends, let's get together!) This is surprising since she and I bonded after high school, at age 21, in Italy.
You see a long time ago an Irish boy "broke my heart". I still had a plane ticket to Milan, and time to spend in Europe. It just so happened that Kendall had been living in Italy that summer, planning to travel by herself for the month of August (I don't believe in coincidence, most of the time). I called her, we made plans, and had the most fantastic adventures.
Billy Joel at the Coliseum. Venice by accident. Skinny dipping in the Adriatic Sea.
I am so lucky to have these memories, to have had these opportunities. I hope that I have learned from those experiences. I hope I have more joy to share because of them.
Ah yes! So, New York City. I have always wondered what it would be like to live in a city like that. There are so very many people! I admire those of you that live there. I imagine it takes confidence, and spunk. I don't think I would ever sleep, because of all the excitement.
We went to a piano bar where the bartender sang harmonies while fixing martinis. Then, around 1AM we wandered over to to a bar on the top of a fancy hotel. It was like standing on a cloud. A 3AM bedtime feels early in New York!
Most of all I love to watch the people in New York. There are so many faces to wonder about! Where are you from, why are you here, what are you doing up so late?
Over eggs and bacon,
We talk about the world
How our time is slowly slipping by.
Next to us a woman sips her coffee and smiles,
Friend, please tell me what you know.
Finally, oh finally
We're at the riverside
In a place where I can feel at peace and ease
The shadows of tall buildings are laughing at me now
Love yourself,
That's all you need to know.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Wonder
I wonder... what will it be like? Pictures never fully capture it, no matter how hard we might try to bottle up the moment.
This is Lake Suchitlan, a lake by Suchitoto, El Salvador. We do not know where we will be living, or who we will meet along the way, or if we will be able to speak Spanish, or what our work will be.
We do know that this lake will be within walking distance. When in doubt, there's always water and earth.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Limbo
This is what my life looks like lately:
June 29: Drive from Chicago to PA
June 30: Pick up Kendall in NYC, drive to Cape Cod to see Mark in Gilbert & Sullivan's Ruddigore at College Light Opera Company
July 1: Enjoy Cape Cod, back to NYC
July 2: NYC with Kendall
July 3: Drive back to NC with dad
July 4-8: Durham
July 8-15: Atlantic Beach with Chris' family (I am here now).
July 15-20: Durham
July 20: Winston Salem with Anna and Kevin!
July 21-22: Boone
July 23-27: Asheville
July 28-August 4: Yellowstone with the Adams family
This is a loooong vacation! I am enjoying it, for the most part. It's a strange feeling not working - I wasn't expecting that.
So much of my identity is put in to my work. I am a music therapist. I work with people with disabilities. I work for a great company I believe in.
But now... who am I?
It's silly. I'm still a music therapist. I'm just on a crazy journey to Latin America with some detours along the way. In the back of my head I keep thinking, "did I make the right choice?" I miss Lifeworks, I miss Minnesota, I miss my community. But more than anything I miss feeling grounded and having a home.
It's good to have times like this, where we don't have our comforts to cling to anymore. They challenge us, make us think about what is important.
Right now, I have my sweet family (in-laws included!), sand beneath my feet, sleep, and Chris. I am so lucky to have a partner to share this journey with.
Here in this present moment, this present day, I am grateful. I am filled with breath and life and that is enough.
June 29: Drive from Chicago to PA
June 30: Pick up Kendall in NYC, drive to Cape Cod to see Mark in Gilbert & Sullivan's Ruddigore at College Light Opera Company
July 1: Enjoy Cape Cod, back to NYC
July 2: NYC with Kendall
July 3: Drive back to NC with dad
July 4-8: Durham
July 8-15: Atlantic Beach with Chris' family (I am here now).
July 15-20: Durham
July 20: Winston Salem with Anna and Kevin!
July 21-22: Boone
July 23-27: Asheville
July 28-August 4: Yellowstone with the Adams family
This is a loooong vacation! I am enjoying it, for the most part. It's a strange feeling not working - I wasn't expecting that.
So much of my identity is put in to my work. I am a music therapist. I work with people with disabilities. I work for a great company I believe in.
But now... who am I?
It's silly. I'm still a music therapist. I'm just on a crazy journey to Latin America with some detours along the way. In the back of my head I keep thinking, "did I make the right choice?" I miss Lifeworks, I miss Minnesota, I miss my community. But more than anything I miss feeling grounded and having a home.
It's good to have times like this, where we don't have our comforts to cling to anymore. They challenge us, make us think about what is important.
Right now, I have my sweet family (in-laws included!), sand beneath my feet, sleep, and Chris. I am so lucky to have a partner to share this journey with.
Here in this present moment, this present day, I am grateful. I am filled with breath and life and that is enough.
Monday, July 9, 2012
El Salvador, the War and Romero
Last night we watched "Monsenor: The Last Journey of Oscar Romero". Oscar Romero was the archbishop of the Catholic Church of El Salvador. He was assassinated on March 24, 1980, the year the El Salvadoran Civil War began. The war lasted for 12 years and resulted in 70,000 people dead.
This documentary was about the weeks leading up to his death. You can watch some of the video here:
Romero was a true Christ figure in El Salvador. He spoke to the poor, the oppressed. He spoke to the soldiers and guerillas. He called for them to drop their weapons, to finally make peace.
Brothers, you came from our own people. You are killing your own brother peasants when any human order to kill must be subordinate to the law of God which says, 'Thou shalt not kill'. No soldier is obliged to obey an order contrary to the law of God. No one has to obey an immoral law. it is high time you recovered your consciences and obeyed your consciences rather than a sinful order. The church, the defender of the rights of God, of the law of God, of human dignity, of the person, cannot remain silent before such an abomination. We want the government to face the fact that reforms are valueless if they are to be carried out at the cost of so much blood. In the name of God, in the name of this suffering people whose cries rise to heaven more loudly each day, I implore you, I beg you, I order you in the name of God: stop the repression.
The United States funded the El Salvadoran government's guns and bullets. The School of the Americas (a combat training school, part of the US department of defense) trained their soldiers in tactics such as targeting civilians, torture and extortion. The war may not have been as brutal as it was, had it not been for United States support.
The war was about the 1% owning all of the country's resources. People were in dire poverty, and the government was repressive and merciless. Unfortunately, many El Salvadorans say the conditions are no better since the war ended in 1992. There is a democracy now, but there is a 50% unemployment rate and many hungry children.
I am curious to see if what I have gathered from the internet and my limited contact with people from El Salvador is true. It's weird the amount of information we can collect via the World Wide Web, but do we really know the facts?
It is difficult to fathom the kind of violence many El Salvadorans have witnessed, and the ways in which their ancestors have died. It will be a new experience to be with people that have had such hardship and terror in their lives. I hope we are able to show respect for what they have been through. I hope that they are able to find joy in their lives.
I hope.
This documentary was about the weeks leading up to his death. You can watch some of the video here:
Romero was a true Christ figure in El Salvador. He spoke to the poor, the oppressed. He spoke to the soldiers and guerillas. He called for them to drop their weapons, to finally make peace.
Brothers, you came from our own people. You are killing your own brother peasants when any human order to kill must be subordinate to the law of God which says, 'Thou shalt not kill'. No soldier is obliged to obey an order contrary to the law of God. No one has to obey an immoral law. it is high time you recovered your consciences and obeyed your consciences rather than a sinful order. The church, the defender of the rights of God, of the law of God, of human dignity, of the person, cannot remain silent before such an abomination. We want the government to face the fact that reforms are valueless if they are to be carried out at the cost of so much blood. In the name of God, in the name of this suffering people whose cries rise to heaven more loudly each day, I implore you, I beg you, I order you in the name of God: stop the repression.
The United States funded the El Salvadoran government's guns and bullets. The School of the Americas (a combat training school, part of the US department of defense) trained their soldiers in tactics such as targeting civilians, torture and extortion. The war may not have been as brutal as it was, had it not been for United States support.
The war was about the 1% owning all of the country's resources. People were in dire poverty, and the government was repressive and merciless. Unfortunately, many El Salvadorans say the conditions are no better since the war ended in 1992. There is a democracy now, but there is a 50% unemployment rate and many hungry children.
I am curious to see if what I have gathered from the internet and my limited contact with people from El Salvador is true. It's weird the amount of information we can collect via the World Wide Web, but do we really know the facts?
I hope.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wonderful
My grandmother, Martha Williams passed away in February of 2010. On the way to her graveside service, my dad was rummaging through a folder of memories from her. He began to read from a letter that I had never read before. It was written to me, when I was 5 days old.
It was her gift, to all of us. Her philosophy of life. Since then it has shaped my life and helped me see the world in a better way. The letter was a homily at our wedding. This year I wrote a choral piece using her words.
February 20.1985
Dear little girl,
You don’t know me yet, but I am your grandmother. You are part of my body, mind heart and soul, and I love you dearly.
May you always keep your love of life. I know you love life because you survived the ordeal of birth. I hope you will never cease to wonder about great and noble things--- like sunlight and thunder! The rain and the stars! The wind and the sea! The majesty of the mountains! The growth of trees and the return of the harvest each year and the greatness of people and the glorious goodness of God!!
Keep your heart hungry for knowledge and wisdom; and don’t forget to laugh at life. Remember the natural exercises that come with easy laughter; humming and singing and whistling are good for you. Then you will be healthy and happy and the world will be better because you are in it.
Thank you for giving me the complete joy of being your grandmother.
Devotedly,
Martha Williams
Dear little girl,
You don’t know me yet, but I am your grandmother. You are part of my body, mind heart and soul, and I love you dearly.
May you always keep your love of life. I know you love life because you survived the ordeal of birth. I hope you will never cease to wonder about great and noble things--- like sunlight and thunder! The rain and the stars! The wind and the sea! The majesty of the mountains! The growth of trees and the return of the harvest each year and the greatness of people and the glorious goodness of God!!
Keep your heart hungry for knowledge and wisdom; and don’t forget to laugh at life. Remember the natural exercises that come with easy laughter; humming and singing and whistling are good for you. Then you will be healthy and happy and the world will be better because you are in it.
Thank you for giving me the complete joy of being your grandmother.
Devotedly,
Martha Williams
I wanted to share this song with all of you. The music was written by me, with help from my husband Chris. This choral piece was performed last month at St. Luke Presbyterian in Minnesota. The other solo in this piece is by my brother, which was pretty fantastic.
I could feel my grandmother smiling and laughing as we sang. She loved to laugh. She had an endless collection of songs and poems that she would share. At the end of the song or poem she would say, "isn't that wonderful?"
Yes, grandma. It is wonderful. Thank you for giving me the complete joy of being your grandaughter!
Listen to the song here:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)