Primero Dios

We've been back from El Salvador almost 2 weeks now. It feels like so much longer. Suchitoto and Durham are like two completely different worlds, and yet they are in the same world. Proof that God is creative.

I wanted to reflect on some of the beautiful things that Salvadorans say. I have been missing the everyday salutations (saludos) such as "buenos dias" and "adios". I like that people say "adios" when passing each other, it's a great way to clearly say "I don't have time to talk right now, but I see you." In Suchitoto it is expected that people look each other in the eye as they pass. As you walk down the street, you physically feel the other person's eyes seeking yours, seeking connection. At first I didn't like that, now I miss it.

"Que le vaya bien" means something like... "may it go well". It is said only when someone is walking or driving or riding somewhere. In passing. To me, it is an acknowledgement of the sacredness of our journey. A knowing that we could fall, or crash, along the way. But with the well wishes of others, our journey is made safer.

"Buen provecho" means "enjoy your meal". It is said everytime someone enters a restaurant or home and others are eating. It's also often said at the beginning of the meal, again acknoledging the sacredness of the food and the importance of enjoying it. 

"Primero Dios" means "first God". There's really no good translation of it. I immediately think of a cute elderly woman from the campo when I hear that phrase. It's often said when someone is hoping for something, like a job or a baby or getting well. One person might say, "I hope I get well soon," and the other person might say "primero dios". There is an amazing faith in God in El Salvador, almost mystical. Beautiful. Magic. God will provide.

"Dios se lo pague" is another beautiful faith statement which means, "May God repay you". It is to say that you are very, very grateful. When I think of this statement I think of the wonderful parents from Los Angelitos that I worked with. They each had children with disabilities, working with very few economic resources. They spend much of their life energy caring for their child and fighting for their right to an education and services (of which there are few). They said "dios se lo pague" to me when I said goodbye to them, and those words remain in my heart.

"Cuesta mucho". We desperately need an English word like "cuesta". It literally means "it costs a lot", but really it is to say "it is very difficult." You can say "cuesta mucho" about expensive things, but also difficult things in life like work, raising children, or physical/emotional pain. There is a lot of acknowledging of suffering in El Salvador, that suffering is a part of life and that life is difficult. And that is okay.

"Hay que aprovechar", means "one must take advantage"/"one must make the most of it". One of the things I love about El Salvadoran culture is that they truly enjoy things. If they have the money to go to the pool, they spend all day. They bring hammocks and food. They laugh and share with each other. 

The word "aprovechar" has taken on new meaning as I am aware of the incredible blessings in my life. My car, my savings account, incredible support from family and friends. I feel guilty, but I know that guilt is not the answer. The answer is gratefulness, and living as simply as I can. Enjoying my life and the amazing people in it. Not wasting energy on feeling bad about having resources, but working so that more people might live a comfortable life without economic hardship. 

We all deserve that. To have enough food on the table. To break bread together, to say "buen provecho" surrounded by people we love. To walk together along the road, pebbled with the golden rays of a setting sun. To go our separate ways with a true hug (abrazos fuertes), saying, with a smile, "que le vaya bien." 

Felicidad

It is difficult to describe what the past two years have meant to me. How they have shaped me, confused me, changed my perspective. For two years I walked in the same five block radius, seeing the same people. My world was smaller. I couldn't run away from myself as easily. I couldn't run away from anyone, actually. 

I began to become more in touch with myself. My breath, my emotions, my aching back. I noticed it all. I began to appreciate the people around me, celebrating their hellos, finding conversation in the smallest of things. 

I am struck by how fast we can move from place to place in a car, missing everything that is happening in those 20 miles that go whurring by. The thing that has surprised me being back in the states is that I find it sad. I am sad to have left all my dear friends, but I am also sad to see with new eyes how separated we are from each other. The internet connects us, yet keeps us glued to a computer as opposed to looking each other in the eye. Our supermarkets are big and have everything we want, yet still we are wanting. There is an emptiness in this overdeveloped culture.

What I am trying to say is, I believe that Salvadorans are happier than us. They spend more time in community, with family. When someone dies, they have a vigil all night long. Hundreds of people attend. They don't want the family members to be alone

But, this is a total generalization. Happiness doesn't live in the new house, or a place, or your perfect job. Happiness is a choice. It lives deep within us, at the core of our being. It is not ecstasy, but simplicity. A deep breath in, followed by a sigh.

Pensamientos

Sorry blog, I have neglected you. And I will continue to neglect you for a while longer, because we only have a few weeks left in El Salvador and I'm so busy eating pupusas...

But, I wanted to share a striking Facebook post by my roommate Noel, commemorating 10 years since he attempted to move to the United States. Some food for thought (and a good adventure in Spanish to English translation!)

“March 6^th”. One decade ago, on a day exactly like today, I made a decision that taught me so much about life. 10 years ago I searched for what many call “The American Dream”. This was what I experienced from March 6^th through June 8^th 2004. I can honestly say, in contrary to what many say, “Thanks be to God that this so-called American Dream did not come to pass for me.”

I traveled for nearly 4 months in trucks, boats, mountains, cars, the desert in Arizona, the plane from Los Angeles. Almost 50% of these 4 months was spent in three jails in Miami, Florida, where immigration control arrested me and my 4 traveling companions. On my journey I saw robberies, abuse, and even death.

This decision which I made 10 years ago taught me to love all the people that are a part of my life, and keep them physically close to me. If immigration control had not arrested me I definitely would have had another way of life, and these words would not have been written from our beloved country which has suffered so much.

I know that love for El Salvador continues to grow in our people, it is tangible. Here live the people and family that we love, and the place and geographic location which we call the “bellybutton”, the center of our being. Sadly the social inequality has affected us in many ways and 2.8 million of our people have had to leave (almost half of our population). If these 2.8 million people had not have to leave, they would have been working alongside the rest of us to help develop our country. Unfortunately the political and economic structure has taken so much from us, meanwhile politicians like Paco Flores are robbing millions of dollars. Our country continues to die, without realizing what it is dying from. 

All over the world, we can find people with a lack of economic resources - a lack of food, health, education, fun, etc. The simple enjoyment of life is lost. The false illusion that tomorrow will be better always exists. My four grandparents, may they rest in peace, always lived with this illusion that tomorrow would be better. Now they are dead, and the cycle of this way of thinking continues like it did 90 years ago, or since the beginning of El Salvador. Should the development of a country take centuries? If only those who have been running our country had the knowledge and willingness to help their people, we would not need a century; only a short time would be needed to achieve social justice and human equality, where people are truly dedicated to helping one another.

Ayayaya… so many feelings come up from remembering the experiences that shape our lives… Despite everything I have witnessed in El Salvador, I love this place. I give thanks to God for allowing me to return from that capitalist country (the USA). The only reason to leave El Salvador and live there is to have money. Yes, it’s true that money is the way that we obtain material things and services for our family, but money can’t be a substitute for love from other human beings.

I am grateful to be here, and I hope to continue working for my people as long as my knowledge and physical, psychological, and mental strength allow me. I love my people, I love my family, I love my girlfriend, I love the children, I love the elderly, I love the humble and simple people, I love the people that live in remote and rural places in our country, I love the privilege I have had to get to know so many wonderful friends in my university… Ahhh. I want to clarify that I hate with everything in me the rich that exploit my people and that my people are obligated to be born and die poor. El Salvador is not poor because our people do not work, El Salvador is poor because others exploit it.

I am sending greetings to all of you. I am sending you big hugs and lots of love to my family and friends in all parts of the world – especially in the United States. Maybe you feel that you have more material things than us in El Salvador, but I am sure that the majority of you would give up everything that you possess to give just one hug to your mother or father, to hug your friends and family that you left behind. Our country is so tiny and has suffered so much. Fight for what you love. I hope that all aspects of your personal and professional life will be blessed like never before. I appreciate and admire you all.

Blessings,

Noel

Chucho

       When Chris and I moved into our first apartment here in Suchitoto, our roommates had recently adopted a puppy named Nova. I had to laugh, Chris and I had talked about getting a dog of a long time, but always said, "not now, we're going abroad". Then, when we got to El Salvador, there was a puppy at our house. Oh, life. Our roommates soon named us Nova's padrinos (godparents). And what an adventure it's been.

           Dogs are treated very differently here. People get them for protection, and feed them food scraps and tortillas. Most people don't pet dogs. In Suchitoto there are many street dogs, who usually end up receiving poison from someone who gets tired of them stealing tortillas. To be fair, when you are poor and don’t have much to go around, you do what you have to to survive…

 In our old house we had a tunnel in which water ran down from the street to the lake. Nova could get in and out of the tunnel as she pleased, and loved to follow us to work on a daily basis. Our neighbors started volunteering to hold Nova back so she would stop following us. One neighbor suggested we use more violence to get the dog to listen. But, Nova has never been the listening kind. Nova knows all the local pupuserias and often sniffs until she finds out. Where we are, there’s bound to be a scrap or two. She liked arriving just in time for yoga class, and making lots of noise during Savasana.

She was a pain sometimes, but we've come to love that crazy chuca. It's amazing how comforting it can be to have a dog around, especially in the lonely moments. She has accompanied us on many adventures. 

Nova was made famous by our friend Melina! Nova approved of the painting.

Nova has always had a great appreciation for nature...

We were giving Nova a birth control injection every few months. Like all forms of birth control, the injection is not 100% effective... she ended up pregnant. 6 little puppies. Oh, they were so cute. We quickly fell in love with all of them. Finally we chose the funny little runt. She is a little clumsy and barks like an Ewok. But, we love her. We have to make sure she has all her vaccines, and take her to the capital in a month to get her approved to travel to the U.S.

We love Nova so much, it is wonderful we get to take a little part of her to the US. Life is full of surprises. I try to accept and love them with open arms. And that is the story of how we adopted an El Salvadoran puppy names Traviesa.

Santo

I haven't written in a while. Life has been... speaking loudly recently. I've been too busy listening. And learning.

Connie, Chris' stepmom, passed away on January 8. Chris was with her when she took her last breath. It was such an honor to walk with her until the end. 

The memorial service was a celebration, filled with interesting characters from Connie's life. We sang Morning Has Broken, Swing Low Sweet Chariot. Songs of hope. Check out the beautiful slideshow here.

She was an adventurer, a collector of beauty. It feels so strange that she is gone.

Death is strange. One person's life ends, everyone else's continues. We have to move on without her. Eat lunch, take a shower. But we are changed, forever.

The week after Connie's death I began my 3 week yoga teacher training at the Asheville Yoga Center. I thought I was going to have to cancel, I was a bit shaken by the experience and felt I didn't have the strength to do the training. But I am so grateful I did. 

I went into the yoga teacher training expecting to learn to do fancy arm balances, handstands. Bad ass stuff. What I found was my own breath. My life! Gratitude. Yoga, to me, is movement with breath. It's a way of connecting with yourself and the present moment. The balance between effort and ease. 

I remember going to my first yoga class, clumsy. I remember thinking that I could never teach it. I would never be good at it.

The truth is, I am not the most flexible person. Nor am I naturally coordinated. But I love sharing yoga with other people. Especially in Spanish! When Sister Peggy invited me to teach yoga last September, I wasn't sure what I have doing. I learned the poses in Spanish, I awkwardly guided the class through it. Now, it feels like second nature. I feel confident. 

I'm not sure what I will do with my yoga certification. I don't think I want to be a full-time yoga teacher, but I want to continue teaching it in some way. Possibly to Latino farmworkers and their families this summer! Life continues to be full of surprises.

And maybe that's the point - 
Enlightenment will never be reached.
We are always growing, moving.
Never stagnant.
My practice comes in stages,
As I climb up the mountain,
Only to find the range is endless.
I have so much more to climb.
I protest...
I thought I had finally made it.
My creator laughs,
Wraps me in her arms,
And stands on her head,
Just as my grandmother did
In her polka-dotted bathing suit
Never forgetting to laugh at life.
Om namah shivaya.
I am a child again.
I sigh, and ask my mother from the back of the minivan,
"Are we there yet?"

Amor y Luz

This is a tender time for us as a family. As I write the word family, I think how very grateful I am to be a part of it. Shared laughter, shared grief. Life is short, and fragile. Death is part of life - and it helps those still living to live deeply and love more.

Chris stepmother Connie is dying. She has been battling breast cancer for many years, and it has spread to her bones and now her brain. Chris was able to fly home early, a week before Christmas, to be with his dad and stepmom. He has been feeding her, giving her medicine, holding her hand, calming her when she cried. A friend of mine called it being a "midwife to the next life". I love that image.

We have been spending a lot of time with Connie in her room. When she was still talking she was kind of loopy. We would ask her if she would like some juice, she would respond, "oh yeah, baby" or "absolutely". She handled this difficult situation with grace, and humor. She cried a lot, especially when she saw someone she loved or something beautiful. A dog, a flower, a card -- it all brought tears. It was like she was becoming a child again.

Waiting for someone to die is a strange feeling. We have no control. We sit, and listen to her breath. Her friends talk about memories they have of her. We wait.

We found the perfect place for her memorial service today. I am grateful to have something to help with. I am a planner. I have enjoyed helping plan her service. Chris and I will provide the music, surely not without tears.

The amazing thing is that we planned this "month off" from volunteering before we knew Connie would die during this time. Chris was planning on taking a CNA course (that's been cancelled). I am still hoping to complete my yoga teacher training at the Asheville Yoga Center. It is an inbetween time, but inbetween feels ok. We are in the right place.

I have been amazed at how many friends Connie has! The visitors have come like waves on the ocean, bringing hugs and flowers and fun, too. I hope that when I die I have as many true friends as she does.

Connie, we love you and we are grateful for you. Thank you for being so kind to me, welcoming me into the family, encouraging us to go to El Salvador. You are a sweet soul. You find beauty in everything. The world is better because you were in it.

"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, 

that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

-Kahlil Gibran

Fiestas Patronales

This week was party week. The celebration of Santa Lucia, the patron saint of Suchitoto. Every morning, fireworks went off beginning at 3:30AM, for a different neighborhood in the town. Each night the "queen" from that neighborhood rides in her carriage and the neighbors cheer as she passes. And there are more fireworks.

Fireworks here have no bounds here. Anything goes. Including the "toritos". Men put a wooden platform on their back full of fireworks and run around while the fireworks go off above them. They often run towards crowds of people as well, and the children run away laughing. Honestly, it is really dangerous. It's fun as long as you keep your distance!

The 12th of December was the big party. There were beautiful fireworks, and 3 live bands. We stayed up until 3AM dancing, and then ate some late-night pupusas in the plaza. If you know Suchitoto, you know that most people go to bed at 8PM, and dancing until 3AM is unheard of. The 12th is the great exception, the party of the year. A city come to life.