La Muerte y la Vida

I haven't posted in this blog in a long time. Being in graduate school has been stressful to say the least. I haven't taken care of myself like I could have, I've focused on the things I didn't have instead of seeing what was right in front of me. Transitions take time, and you can't give yourself hell for everything you do wrong. Now in my last semester of my MSW, I have no idea where I'm going but somehow I feel good about it.

I don't claim to have all the answers. But today on my 31st birthday I have one thing on my mind - death. January 8th two years ago I was struggling to sleep. I was sleeping next to Connie, Chris' stepmother, who was dying. Thanks to excellent care, she had a peaceful death. She was not alone, which is what she wanted. I remember the paleness of her skin, the relief we and grief all at the same time. I remember the cremation company coming to pick her up. Then when went to breakfast.

And that's the strangest part.

The death of a person you love doesn't pause your own life. You still have to eat and sleep and poop and talk to other people. I remember sitting there at breakfast sipping my coffee, looking around, thinking, "everyone here is going to die".

These are the things that we don't talk about in our culture. There is a richness, however, in keeping death at the forefront of our minds. We are mortal. This thing ends. By remembering that we might also appreciate the time that we do have. We might make different choices. We might forgive ourselves for not being perfect. I didn't exercise enough this week. I ate that cupcake. I said the wrong thing to someone I care about. Of course I did, I'm human. That's ok.

Today on my birthday I had the joy of coding my qualitative interviews from the music therapy project I did with farmworkers this summer. So far there was one finding I was surprised by - that participating in a weekly music project not only distracted the guys from stress, it helped them stay in the moment. As one of the workers said, "before, I would count down the days until it was time to go back to Mexico and see my family. On the days you came to visit, I forgot about the countdown. I just played music". 

The present moment, being mindful of death, these things don't take away the pain of missing someone. Chris' dad, Ed, passed away this past September, so soon after Connie. Chris has seen and gone through so much suffering, yet he somehow still has a smile on his face. He is resilient, and I know that he is also sad - as am I. Smiling and sadness are not mutually exclusive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, say yes. To deep breaths, to chocolate cake, to taking risks, to loving others. There is so much to be afraid of and to be angry at. But today I am ready to begin. Hello, 31! I'm glad you are here.

"Let gratitude be the pillow on which you say your nightly prayer."
-Maya Angelou.

Romero

I am sitting outside on my patio in Raleigh, North Carolina listening to the live stream of the beatification of Saint Oscar Romero. The breeze is whispering through the trees, the sun shining on my face. I am so moved for El Salvador, for my friends. A country that has suffered so much and continues to suffer. Romero's sainthood gives me such hope and joy for Central America, for the church, and for our world. 

Saint Romero called for an end to violence, and oppression of the poor during the El Salvadoran Civil War. A war that the United States financed for many years, the resulted in the deaths of 90,000 El Salvadorans, human rights activists, nuns and priests. Romero was killed while celebrating mass on March 24, 1980. The war continued until 1992, and the violence in El Salvador has continued mainly through the growing gang population. Only now, 35 years after his death is he being sainted.

The news is full of grief and violence. We need more good news, and celebration of those who are working for peace. The beatification of Saint Romero is a call to action. 

The United States has taken advantage of Mexico and Central America for too long, killing through the teaching of torture and funding of wars, passing trade agreements which take away fair pay for farmworkers and laborers, and then exploiting those who immigrate to the United States in hopes of a better life. It is time we embrace our brothers and sisters as equals, thinking about creative ways to create more opportunity in Latin America and pass new immigration laws that offer a path to citizenship. 

This is also a call to action for El Salvador. The gang violence continues to worsen. There is a culture of fear. The government does not act. I do not know what the solution is, because a gang, like terrorism, is more of an idea. It is part of the culture of violence. Peace does not always come naturally, it must be taught. Seeds must be sown. It takes patience and great attention.

It has been over a year since we returned from our time living in Suchitoto. I am grateful to know El Salvador - its smiling people, its bright sun, it's beans and corn, its joy. I so admire the strength and resiliency of el pueblo salvadoreño  and it will always be a part of who I am and hope to be.

De "Ser" Treinta

I am now 30 and 1 week old. Turning 30 has allowed me to reflect on my 20's and all the things I've done and places I've been and who I am... Let me just say, it's been amazing and I have no regrets!! I want to keep every person I meet. They inspire me, and make me laugh and...people are just awesome.

So, here I am at 30 having had all these experiences, lived in two different countries and 3 different places in the United States, had meaningful jobs and a full resume. I am so grateful, and I also hope that my 30's will be a different sort of story. Why?

Moving around so much has been tiring. My community is spread out all over the place, as is my heart. I have friends! But I'm still working on figuring out my Capital F friends. It takes time, energy and caring. While having 100 (or 3,000 FB BFF's) is great, real relationships are so much richer. I am so excited to be closer (physically and emotionally) to our amazing families... I know North Carolina is where we should be, where we belong now.

So, this is a rebuilding year. Since returning from El Salvador I've found myself lazy and unsure of what to do next. I'm trying to embrace that. Here is my somewhat cliche, unsolicited life lessons, from my 30 years of life-so-far::

You don't have the answers. You never will. Stop trying to "solve life" and just live it!! Your career path is important, but perhaps it matters more to you than those you'll be "helping". Love the people who love you and don't waste energy on people who take your energy away. If you get invited to something, go do it! Say yes. Yes to this moment. Yes to opportunity. 

Be grateful you have such privilege, because many are in need. Be humble, because you are only human. Remember that white girls don't change the world, but individuals can help empower one another. If something makes you uncomfortable, it's probably good for you. 

Do some kind of movement every day. Know that pain is part of life, but you've got to love your body, despite it's imperfections - it's the only body you've got. Follow your instincts. If you like learning about something, keep learning about it and don't stop. Laugh hard. Eat good food. Exercise instead of "diet". 

Don't listen to every story your mind creates. Nurture the positive. Sing your song, stand up for what you want and what you believe in. Accept the love of others and give love in return. Take a deep breath and remember - it's only life, after all (yeah).

"Looking behind I am filled with gratitude. Looking forward I am filled with vision. Looking upwards I am filled with strength. Looking within I discover peace." -Quero Apache Prayer

Privilegio

I have to admit, I am new to the words "white privilege". My first instinct? No, that's not me. I'm just your average white girl. I don't know about privilege. I'm not rich in education, advantage in American society, safety on the streets, a safe home, and an overall oppression-free life...

Oh, wait. Maybe I do have some privilege. And the truth is, I am grateful for the opportunities I have had. I believe everyone deserves to have an education, a career, and a safe home. A life without fear. 

Since Michael Brown's death, there has been a new mantra in America: "black lives matter". Some people have argued, "wait, but don't ALL lives matter?!" Well of course they do, and that's the point. Black lives matter, but white lives are valued more by our legal system, education system, employers, and government. 

We are talking about years, and years, and years... of oppression. Of lynchings, and now shootings. A study recently showed that a black person was shot two times a WEEK from 2005 to 2012.

This is the kind of thing I as a white person am trying, to begin, to understand. But never fully will.

I don't know what it's like to walk down the street and be profiled because of my race. Or not get a job because of the color of my skin. Or worry about my son going out to play with a toy gun because he could get shot by a police officer. Or be forced to immigrate to another country because there is no work and my children are starving.

We make assumptions about people all the time. I'm just going to go ahead and say it, everyone's a little bit racist. Our implicit biases are there, and it's up to us to become aware of them, and strive to change not only our actions but also our thought patterns.

Now, this conversation still makes me uncomfortable. I am working to change that, too. In the meantime, my goal is to be intentional. Racism does exist. We are NOT colorblind, because if we were, there would be justice and equality in our country. There would be people of all backgrounds hanging out at the local bar laughing and getting along. Instead, we self-segregate and do not seek opportunities to build relationships with people who look different from us.  

I am not trying to guilt anyone. Guilt, it turns out, is the opposite of productive. I'm talking about awareness. Waking up... and working together! 

"It is up to us to get busy, it is up to us to take responsibility. Not because we are guilty, but because we are here."

-Tim Wise

Ira

I can't sleep. I want to scream, or cry, or throw something against a wall. 

I believe in justice. Today, the Grand Jury decided not to indite Darren Wilson for the murder of Michael Brown. He won't even go to trial. 

What country do we live in? What IS this?

The sad truth is, justice rarely happens for people of color in the United States. Minorities fear police for a reason. Two times a week, an unarmed black man is shot in our country. This has been going on for a LONG TIME.

Michael Brown's case is heartbreaking, even more so after today's "verdict". But our country is waking up to this injustice. Brown's father made the following statement this week:

I do not want my son's death to be in vain, I want it to lead to incredible change, positive change... We live here together, this is our home. We're stronger united.

The media is sensationalizing the "riots", as if it comes as a surprise. Silence is not working. Voting is not working. Our justice system? Not working. And y'all, did they really have to wait until 8pm to announce the grand jury's decision? Outrage looks (and feels) more dramatic at nighttime. 

The people of Ferguson are blamed for their anger... But what option do they have? What option do we have? Black lives matter. If a white teenager had been killed by a police officer, there would have been a trial by now. We all know that... So how is it ok? 

We have fallen asleep. The people must rise up for true change to happen. To sit back and wait is not the answer. To let another black man be killed with no recourse...

This is a call to action. To peaceful protests, filling the streets. Social activism matters on social media, but if we stay behind our computer screens, we won't get very far.

"We protest so that some day, years from now, justice is not a surprise, 

nor a dream, nor deferred.

So that justice just is."

-Syreeta McFadden

Caminatta

Today, I took a walk. I know, that shouldn't be big news... walks happen all the time. But graduate school has not been easy and far too much of my time has been spent in front of a computer. I pass by Beryl Road every day, but never bother to turn down it. Today, I did. And it was the best choice I have made in a long time.

The arboretum at NC State is a beautiful place. I walked slowly down the paths, and laid in the sun. On that walk I saw red and orange leaves, and bright white flowers. I felt gratitude, and grief. I felt God's presence. I felt the beating of my own heart.

Being a social work student is emotionally intense. I knew that there were many injustices in our society and world, but to actually look at them up close, to see how much work we need to do... it's overwhelming.

I am excited about being a social worker because the social work community as a whole strives towards social justice. I am committing myself to a greater cause. But social justice is so big. It's such a responsibility. What a rich wealth of knowledge there is to learn. The truth is eye-opening, and heart-breaking.

I teach a free yoga class for social work students. The ironic thing is, that day I teach is one of the only days I actually do yoga. It used to be a daily part of my routine, but lately I just haven't made it a priority. And, my couch is really comfy.

It's a lot to balance. Self-care looks like different things on different days. And sometimes the thing we need is not necessarily the thing we want.

I've never been a very disciplined person when it comes to taking care of myself - I'd rather take care of someone else. Perhaps this is a common trait in social workers? We must strive to make self-care a priority in our lives. It will only make us better at what we do, and more effective in teaching self-care to others.

At the end of every yoga class I say, "thank you for taking care of yourself. This serves not only you, but everyone in your life."

Do you have a body? Don't sit on the porch!

Go out and walk in the rain!

If you are in love, then why are you asleep?

Wake up, wake up!

You have slept millions and millions of years.

Why not wake up this morning?

-Kabir

Aliad@s

On September 29, I officiated my first wedding for Allie and Shannon. It was a true honor. Not only was it an honor because it was for two people I love, but also because those two people happen to be two women in love. 

On November 8, two of my dear friends Preston and Michael finally tied the knot. I had asked them a couple of years ago why they didn't get married in D.C. or somewhere where gay marriage was legal. They answered, "we want to get married in our state." I remember thinking that could take a long time. Yet, here we are.

This year has been an incredible one for marriage equality. 

The day after gay marriage was legalized in North Carolina, I remember waking up and expecting the world to look different. Funny enough, everything looked the same. 

I still can't get over the fact that this decision is happening on a state-by-state basis. Marriage, to me, is a promise between two people that no government should be allowed to define.

In grew up in a liberal Baptist church. Watts Street is an amazing place. I was always free to question my beliefs and choose my own path. I remember there always being gay members in the church, many of whom were leaders. However, it took some time for Watts Street to officially become a "welcoming and affirming" congregation. I remember some members saying, "we don't need a sign out front saying that we're welcoming and affirming, we already are".

But that is just it. As individuals, we may think of ourselves as allies to gay, lesbians, bisexual and transgender people. Until there is true equality in all senses of the word, we do need the sign out front. We can't assume that everyone knows we are welcoming. 

We need to greet all people with open arms, and to welcome them out loud. To be advocates, and friends.